ThE hArShNeSs Of rEaLiTy'S cRuElTy

Next comes a time in my life that I am not proud of at all. It was, and still is, the lowest point I ever reached in my existence. You see a lot can happen in 3 weeks, but even more can happen in 6 months. I didn’t sit around waiting for Guy, of course I didn’t, instead I planned and plotted and tried to get him back. Anyway I had of getting closer to him, I used it, exploited it, and demanded far more from it than could reasonably be expected. I was irrational, desperate and above all obessed.

A now ex-girlfriend whom I considered a rival who had not only competed against me, unbeknownst to me, but also somehow won. That was the way I saw it, but perhaps not the truth of it. I saw her as hideous, repulsive and above all inferior to me in every possible way. Younger than me, uglier, and stupid, she had absolutely no claim to him at all, no right or reason. What galled me the most was that he’d chosen her over me. I be-friended her, played nice for my own gain but instead I found a truth that destroyed everything I’d wanted and left me hanging off an edge.

Every word Guy had said, every perfect answer, every moment of intimacy, every single minute, had been repeated to her. Every. Single. Thing. I struggled against it, denied it and clung to my own memories of him but the truth was stronger and inevitable. I faced up to it, looking straight, but one thing did stay the same. The truth of that moment at one in the morning when someone just couldn’t help but want to carry on talking to me, trying to run away from the everpresent bittersweet reality of goodbye. That was one thing that was only for me. At some point in my life, I was loved that much.